When I was young I grew up in a estreamly Catholic setting. I went to catholic school from k-6 and ccd classes every wed. dont ask what ccd stands for i havent got a clue besides boaring and expensive. I hated school i was teased alot and couldnt understand if this was such a perfect religion then why would god let people hurt one of their own.

When i hit tenage years i started rebeling against my religion and many other things such as parents and life. I remember being 14yr old and in a deep state of depression. I then rember going through suicidal ideation only back then i was told it was crazy and i wouldnt do such a stupid thing that i couldnt go to heaven then cause god would hate me.

As i got older i still was severally depressed only now i started to self medicate. I met boys who said they loved me and i was happy someone finally loved me and we would last together forever. Well at age 18 i moved in with my boyfriend who was two years older and wound up pregnate by 19 and mentally abused.

I left him when my son was 2mths old and moved home for two months till i could get a place for my son and i alone. I grew up very fast and still looked for the approval and love i never got at home. I then met a man four years older who became physically abusive and mentally abusive. I became more depressed and now couldnt speak to anyone but him, our curtains remained closed at all times and i wore sweeters in the summer with pants to cover bruses, I now drank daily and nightly and attempted suicide but never was commited till three months into the realtionship when he finally tried to get rid of me. But he came to pick me up and everything started all over only now he was beating me and kicking me. He would throw me through walls and into chairs thinking i was talking to other men. I attempted death again by jumping out of a moving car and just wound up messing my ankle up pretty good to where they cleaned shoe and gravel from it for one hour.

My family dr asked who had been thumping on me cause of all the bruses on my back but i said no one. He then told my parents after i left i was being abused. However the cops where never called. And i went back to him. Then after trashing the apt we moved to a house in the country where no one could call the cops and all we did was drink and argue. My son was neglected without attention but fed and had dipers ect changed. Then i just couldnt take it any more one night i drank a case of beer and a fith of southern comfort and hoped i would never wake up but i did to the police at 5am they came in and got my son called my parents and i was arested for assalt and battery. Yes seems that i bit and scratched him in a arguement. Well when booking me they saw the bruses on me and went and arrested him also and dropped charges on both of us to disorderly. i never saw him again after court that day and its been 14yrs now.

I went to the womens shelter and inpatient phyc and then aoda inpatient. I lost custody of my son to my parents for a yr and half. Then got us a nice apt and was dating a man 20yrs my senior but happy and treated us great. Till one yr later then he told me he couldnt and didnt want a commitment. ALl i wanted was a husband and life for my son. So when fair came to town i met a man and his wife who where going to fl. I was excited i wanted out of wi and that was my ticket. They offered me a job so i took it. i wound up sleeping with him and the mind washing came instantly as i didnt believe in breaking up marrages. Only she didnt mind. Anyhow i conceved my daughter that night. two weeks later we found out i was pregnate. needless to say after a short time i was totally brain washed and it lasted for three yrs till she moved then the threats started about if i ever left he’d hunt me down and kill me and take my kids. after eight years, two jail sentances one of which was prison.

I finally left him because he stayed in prison longer than me for once. In the process of jail the first time in 98 through a lady who came into the jail i accepted the lord into my soul and heart. I was on fire with his word ect. till i got out and had no church and on the run with him again. i fell away till we where caught and i went to prison then i totally got back into my faith 100% . Then once again I fell away but never stopped believing. since then i have moved several times and when moving back home where i was raised I found a wonderful church that i now call family. it is a united church of christ . I live in a small town so we’re not a huge church which is nice everyone knows everyone and looks out for everyone. I do belive everything happens for a reason beyond our knowelge and its gods plan not ours how and when things happen. I belive he never gives me more in one day than i can handle and that in the toughest times he carries my load and me. i will never give up on him as he will never give up on me.

I know it is by gods faith that i am alive today. It is because of him i havent lost my children again and because of him i can sit and freely write this today as i hope my story helps someone else believe that they arent the only ones out there with a past life of horror, pain or hope. thanks for listenting candi.